Seven Quick Takes: The Expert's Guide to Laziness

1

I come from a long line of women who would rather read than clean. Isn't that everyone you say? No, it is not. One of my aunts who married into the family does not own a single book - not one! - and her house is spotless. As an in-law she suffers with the family's laissez faire attitude about clutter, and she is not the suffering in silence sort. As hard as it might be to believe, there are women (and men!) who would rather mop floors and organize the pantry than read a book or a magazine or a blog. There are even some who find it hard to sit still when there are things to do. 

2

Gentle reader, might you be one of these women? Might you suffer agonies at others' homes when you notice the dust coating on every wooden surface? Do you fight the urge to rip off those decades-old cartoon-clippings and bent school photos and expired coupons to reveal the fridge? Do you run into the bathroom and scream into a hand-towel when your friends' small children leave toys strewn across the floor - and the mother just sits there? 

3

Well suffer no more! I am here to teach you, in just four easy steps, how to embrace that inner slug. I know you have it in you. If you dig down deep you can relinquish the need for clean and discover that sticky, cluttered mess that lurks within. 

4

First of all, what do you drink? Not diet Coke silly: we're all friends here. What would you drink if you could be three sheets to the wind without some small person dying? That drink is what you need. Do you have to be sober? Then make something hot: a good hot cocoa or apple cider or tea. Do NOT brew coffee; this will have debilitating ramifications in about half an hour, when you find yourself cleaning the fan blades and sobbing "I just couldn't say no!" Don't let that happen to you. 

The best option, of course, is a hot toddy. 

5

Now, lazy weather can be one of two options. First, it can be broiling hot. We Southern girls understand why the South has a reputation for laziness: NO ONE goes dashing about with a duster when it's 100 degrees in the shade and so humid that your glasses fog up. The humidity is a crucial element. Y'all from out west cannot imagine how hot 90 degrees can feel when the humidity is 85%. That's why the heat index is what we check in the morning, not the actual temperature. When the heat is this bad, cleaning is hazardous to your health unless you can afford a gargantuan electric bill. So go ahead and wilt, preferably on a cushioned porch swing holding a mint julep.  

The second option, which might be more applicable for readers in January, is freezing cold. This is a relative term, by the way. Savannah closes down when there's a possible chance of sleet 40 miles north. Moreover, some of us simply cannot stand the cold. In DC I was basically catatonic for four months out of the year; it took at least 15 minutes just to put on all those layers of clothing. So you Michigan people can trudge in the snow all day long and feel proud of yourselves, but the rest of us will bundle up under an electric blanket when the thermostat says 30. 

6

Third, consider the worst that could happen. What if you DON'T do the next thing on your list? Did someone die? No? Well then. 

7

Find something you like to do that involves sitting. No judgement here: I've found ceiling fans riveting at the end of a long day. Knitting is an option if you absolutely must be industrious at every waking moment, but why? That's what Netflix is for. Pets are great for this, by the way. Only cold-hearted witches can push a sweet cat or dog off their laps. 

Happy Friday y'all! Be sure to check out the rest at This Ain't the Lyceum. 

** On a completed unrelated note, I didn't manage to get this published until after 5 p.m. even though I wrote it yesterday. Also, I took Benadryl last night - for allergy reasons this time - and had an even worse time getting up. Apparently this is my Friday tradition, and my work hours are late, which keeps me from improving myself. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

It's Sheenazing!

.... That I was nominated for this award. Since I have, like, four regular readers, y'all are the shit. Mainly because this is the only time my tiny blog will be in the same list with ANN FREAKIN' VOSKAMP for any reason whatsoever.

Mainly though, I'm happy at the chance to find so many new (to me) blogs. I skipped right over the life-style category because it makes me depressed and self-loathing. First I checked out my fellow non-Papists (snort). And that's when I discovered New Wave Feminists.

Whatever you're doing next can wait. Go check them out ASAP. I'm not sure how they're non-Papists - it looks like at least one of the writers is Catholic, but maybe they aren't all Catholic. In any case, they are the bee's knees.

If you clicked on my tiny blog from Bonnie's page and want to know who I am (and why I picked an obscure name like The Inklings Etc.), here are some posts that tell you what's up.


          - Why Lord of the Rings is awesome and deserves to be read at least twice

          - Why I pray the Rosary even though I'm Protestant

          - How his wife Joy saved C.S. Lewis from his misogynistic ways 

          - Why I usually hate sermons and wish church didn't have them

          - How Anglicans are the red-headed step-child of both Catholics and Eastern Orthodox

          - How that "does not rejoice in evil" verse gets twisted and makes me see red


Mixed in with a bunch of random nonsense. I'm not a mommy blogger, or a lifestyle blogger, or even a Catholic. I just like to read Catholic blogs - and some mommy blogs - and have some Catholic leanings in spite of my Calvinist background (that sound you hear is my grandmama flipping somersaults in her grave).

Happy reading!

Random Collection of Cool Things

Links, articles, and a video.... Here we go!


Inspiring Blog Posts: 

Jesus Might Have Sung Out-of-Tune at It's OK to Fail. Sarah is quickly becoming one of my favorite bloggers, and it's because of posts like this. (Also because her picture is so delightfully happy and quirky). This post is a big kick in the ass to those of us (Episcopalians especially) who measure the worth of a church service by its level of musical professionalism. Sarah is talking mostly about contemporary worship services, but the same can be said for traditional services as well. Those of us who love music are very susceptible to judging others who can't "perform" to our standards. Remember the letter in which Screwtape explains how to ruin the patient's experience of church?

When he gets to his pew he sees just that selection of his neighbors whom he has hitherto avoided.... You may know one of them to be a great warrior on the Enemy's side. No matter. Your patient, thanks to Our Father below, is a fool. Provided that any of those neighbors sing of tune, or have boots that squeak, or double chins, or odd clothes, the patient will quite easily believe that their religion must therefore be somehow ridiculous. 

(By the way, if you haven't read The Screwtape Letters, what are you waiting for?)


All Because We Said Yes at These Walls. In addition to the gorgeous photos, Julie wrote a beautiful celebration of her marriage and children. Part of the beauty of being married is seeing the fruits of that initial "yes," whether that's children or hospitality or friendships or charity. Love begets more love.


Easter: In Search of Grace at A New Song to Sing. Easter has always been my favorite holiday, even as a child. And yet, I instantly related to Rebekah's pain as she looks at Easters past and wonders where the message of grace was hid.

But I dare say I've never heard a message in which the pastor dove head-first into the muddy waters of grace.... The kind of grace that doesn't simply argue "God's not dead," but looks me straight in the eye and says "Because He's alive, you can be too!" The kind of grace that simultaneously screams and whispers, "you are worthy."... I want to know that Jesus lives for and loves the worst of us. 


Five Things You Can Do Right Now as ISIS Threatens Christians and Shiites at The Anchoress. What I love about this piece is that Elizabeth doesn't just speak to Christians - she speaks to anyone with faith in something larger than ourselves, even if that "something" is the fact that we're all in this together. In the face of unbelievable persecution and violence, what can one individual do? This is the pain in our hearts as we read about the bombings in Gaza and the violent persecution in Iraq and the stream of traumatized children at the US border of Mexico. It can crush you, easily, and there's something to be said for shedding some tears on behalf of the innocent. It means we're human. What Lizzie offers is an action after we dry our tears.

NOTE: please do not read the comment section. Lizzie had to close it because trolls were bombarding her comments with vulgar, hateful, and dishonest bullshit. The actual piece is well worth the read, however.


And now, as a light-hearted palate cleanser, a message from Neil deGrasse Tyson concerning our failure to locate alien life:

7 Quick Takes: Wombat Edition

1

This whole 7 posts in 7 days thing has convinced me of one thing: I need to give up the Internet for Lent.

2

I still have to check email and all that (unfortunately, email is my least favorite part), but for my mental health and the good of the country I need to take a big step back from blogs and blogging. Not that I don't like it - but because I like it too much. And isn't Lent about detachment? I have a feeling that squealing with delight when I get a comment is a trifle less detached than a desert father would recommend.

3

But there is one thing that I may not be able to give up, because it lifts my spirits when nothing else will: looking at videos of cute and adorable animals. Not even the funny ones where kittens leap off counters and land on their heads (though, as someone who distrusts cats of all stripes, that is awesome). No, I just like being able to feel all maternal and shit. My husband can always tell when I'm ovulating because I start looking at cute videos of babies and animals 24/7. On a particularly strong day, I told him that the moon looked cuddly. 

4

For instance: you've heard of wombats right? The little marsupial creatures? I had heard the word, but I just didn't know that they are the cutest thing since Babe. 

If someone had tried to devise a drug personally made for me, they would have made this video. The darling little creature, the heart-warming story of the rescue, and the delightful Tasmanian accents of the couple just melts my heart into a pile of goo.

5

You know you want a pet wombat now.  I mean, the image of him with the teddy bear. It doesn't get better than that. 

6

Actually, yes it does get better. A wombat named Millie who brings together a couple in love: that is the pinnacle of human/ animal achievement. 

7

I can't top that y'all. We're done here.

7 Quick Takes: Lies About Winter

1
"December 21 is the first day of winter"

Where? In Miami?

2

Windshield Scrapers Work

Not so much. They'll get the snow off, but to dissolve the ice you need fluid. We get the big gallons.

3

Southern states are pleasant in winter

Actually Southern winter sucks because instead of snow you get freezing rain. And you know how humid heat is hotter than dry heat? Humid cold is colder than dry cold. So yeah, it's not as bad as Minnesota, but it's no picnic either. And your kids will always cry during Christmas specials because they never get snow.

4

Stay Inside So You Don't Get Sick

Actually it's the opposite. Kids who spent all winter (in Switzerland!) outdoors in a forest kindergarten did not get colds. (Doesn't mean it sounds like a fun time, but it does sound better than spending all winter at the pediatrician's). Colds and flu spread in the winter precisely because we stay indoors and breath on each other. Fresh air actually is a good idea. 

5

"You'll Get Used to It"

Hahahaha just kidding, I hate being outside in winter. And no, I won't get used to it. My body is fundamentally opposed to being cold. I'm the freak who goes outside when it's 98 degrees to warm up from the air conditioning in the office, and I love that nice "toasty oven" feel when you first walk out. I mean, I don't want to go running in it, but my body handles heat much better than cold.

6

Cold is Normal

Actually, we humans evolved in African plains.  Check out the fur on animals that evolved to survive cold climes: 

Yeah, we don't look like that. In fact, it doesn't take much for us to die from hypothermia, as evidenced by the statistics of homeless people who die from cold exposure every year. So tell me again how being cold is normal?

7

Being Cold Builds Character

My dad always said this whenever I complained too. I'm still waiting for the character part.

If being cold builds character, then what happened to Stalin? Guess his mama should have made him go barefoot.

You Might Be from Georgia When....

... One of the first things you learned in kindergarten was "red on yella, kill a fella, red on black, venom lack." We used to chant this in unison, and I'm pretty sure it was on a test.

I mentioned this to one of my co-workers (he's from Maine and thinks beaches have rocks), and he was baffled. "Red what?" he asked. I wanted to prove that only a Yankee from Maine wouldn't know this rhyme, so I asked my co-workers from North Carolina. They were equally confused.

Apparently, this is only a thing if you grow up surrounded by swamps and woods infested with cuddly creatures like coral snakes, cottonmouths, rattlers and gaters.

For those of you from climates friendlier to human life, here is a visual:

Now all you need to do is learn how to blow gnats off your face and you're good to go.

Seven Quick Takes: Seven Weird Changes Recently

1

Daylight Savings Time

The date when daylight savings time ends and the endless night of doom begins used to be in October. And then one day the candy companies said hey guys, if we push that date back to November then the kiddies can stay outside longer during Halloween. I can't believe they didn't think of this earlier, but I can believe that their lobbyists were able to push it through. 

2

Cell phones got big again

Remember how the phones were bricks in the 90s? (I didn't even know they existed back then). And then they turned into flip phones and that's what all the cool kids had? And then they just got super tiny and you could fit them in your pocket or purse, no problem? I mean, I like my iPhone too, but I miss being able to drop my phone on concrete without it shattering, or popping it in my jeans pocket. 

3

The Laugh Track Finally Died - or at least lessened

Growing up, I loved Brit comedies. You know the kind: they aired on PBS about two decades after they came out. Faulty Towers, Are You Being Served?, As Time Goes By, Mr. Bean, Keeping Up Appearances.... Great shows all. But I was watching an episode of Keeping Up Appearances on youtube, and I was so annoyed by the laugh track. I mean, it was every other sentence! This didn't use to bother me at all, because I didn't know any better.  Some shows still have a laugh track, but the use has greatly dimenished. And thank God you no longer have that "ooooh" that would happen whenever sex came up. 

4

Movie Blockbusters Require an Antidepressent 

My husband is a huge fan of Independence Day, with all the "We will not go quietly into the night!" and other goodies, like Will Smith before he was in everything. We were watching it recently (he said he was getting withdrawals) and I thought huh, this would never be a summer blockbuster today. Some directors (cough Christopher Nolan cough) think that doom and gloom, with a side of blood and guts, is the only way to go. So even the new Super Man used a gun. WTF? 

5

Everything Nerdy is Cool 

I think Harry Potter was the tipping point. I mean, books about wizards at a British boarding school - nothing can be nerdier than that. And it was the biggest success in children's publishing history. The other game changer was Spider Man, and that was for one main reason. It came out in fall of 2001, and it was set in NYC.

But dungeons and dragons will never be cool.

6

And Facebook Became Uncool

It is popular, hugely so, but it is no longer cool. It was cool when it was just us college students. Now it's about as cool as a family reunion, but with more drama.

7

"Health Food" at MacDonalds

And Wendy's, etc. My favorite is Wendy's actually, because they have those awesome salads with dried cranberries. People pick on the fast food places for this, but I think it's great. When I had wheat allergies in high school I would have loved to be able to eat something at a fast food joint. 

Seven Quick Takes: Taboo Stuff I Love

1. Snoop Dogg

Let's start this off with a bang shall we? (And oh, by the way, every single one of these takes is offensive in some way/ multiple ways. You have been warned). I always heard that Snoop Dogg was no talent. The naysayers are wrong. Yes, he's offensive in every single way - violence, sex, misogyny, etc. But he has got such a smooth flow, much better than Dr. Dre's. Everyone knows Gin and Juice, but Take it Back to '85 is much more fun: Make sure you're wearing headphones.  His best music was made when still producing music with Warren G (beautiful jazzy voice) and the rest of Death Row records. Yes, rap is music. Deal with it.

2. Eminem

I don't like his raps ironically. No, I sincerely like the early songs like The Real Slim Shady. Ask anybody in their mid-late twenties, and unless they're lying, they like it too. They'll bluff and beat around the bush and try to be all ironic, but don't be fooled. If it were to come on the radio and they were alone in the car, they'd start rapping it too, badly, with hand motions. Here are the lyrics, and they're clever.

3. Albert "Bert" "The Machine" Kreischer

My husband and I are big fans of stand up, and Albert Kreischer is possibly our favorite for live shows. He has a great stage presence and is able to improv like a pro - the sign of real stand up. While we were at a show in Baltimore in the summer, a group of rather trashy ladies were heckling, whooping, just being plain obnoxious, but he dealt with it with pizazz without becoming too crazy or having to throw them out. He started the show by throwing off his shirt and pouring whiskey all over himself; it was fantastic. What can I say, I like low-brow entertainment. (My moonshine making ancestors would be so proud.) His most famous sketch (which is actually fairly clean) concerns his escapades as a college study abroad student in 1990s Russia, and how he got mixed up with the Russian mafia. NOTE: I just listened to it again, and no, it is not clean. Not even a little bit.

4. Dave Chappelle 

Some people think he's racist. They are patently wrong. He is clever, and he is signifyin'.  I really wish I'd been here to see his show in D.C., his hometown. There are so many good clips of his that it was really hard to pick, but here are some of my favorites.

5. The Rocky Horror Picture Show

And with that, I just lost whatever audience I once had. Full speed ahead! If you don't know what I'm talking about, you really should be familiar with the pop culture reference Time Warp. "It's just a turn to the left...." Actually, I have no right to list this at all, since I've never been to a live showing and am therefore still a virgin. But I have such good memories of watching this on a tiny TV with my college friends and dancing the time warp. This is seriously the most offensive thing on this list though: it has the song "Sweet Transvestite" and ends in an orgy. It's also very clever though - a great riff on the 1950s drive in sci-fi movies.

6. Eddy Izzard

Speaking of transvestites (I don't get to use that phrase much...). Eddy Izzard is a cross-dressing British stand-up comedian with a great delivery and hilarious jokes. This is my favorite version of the American vs. British culture pieces.

7. South Park 

This show is popular for a reason: it's the best satire on the market. And what's even better is that it bucks the trend of riffing only on conservatives: primarily it destroys liberal sacred cows. In that attribute, it's virtually alone amongst TV shows. This was the only show with the nerve to say that Americans love Walmart because of greed, not that Walmart was some monster by virtue of existence. They even had the audacity to attack the hypocrisy of obese anti-smoking advocates, which is unthinkable today. They can show subtle balance though too: the brilliant post 2008-election episode called "About Last Night" (which was in fact produced that night) hit the nail on the head regarding fans of both parties. As for the actual candidates, well, I won't give it away.

Y'all, they even mocked Muhammad in the brilliant two-part saga Cartoon Wars (which the creators discuss here). It's like they have a death wish or something. Comedy Central refused to allow them to include an image of Muhammad just standing there, and the episode ends with a supposed creation of terrorists mocking America, Jesus, and the flag with feces.  The irony is golden: look what we're allowed to put about America and Christianity. Seriously, nobody talks this way; how do they get away with it?

A PUPPY ROOM?!!!

Sorry about the all-caps, but this is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard of. It makes me want to move to Nova Scotia just so I can escape from the world and surround myself with puppies whenever I feel like screaming (ask my husband, this happens on a regular basis). Also, like most women in their mid-20s, that clock is not just ticking but hitting me over the head. Unfortunately, my husband is in school and we live in one of the most expensive areas of the country. Can you say bad time?

Puppies aren't as good as babies, but desperate times....

Puppies!